My open letter to Amazon.com--In solidarity with Daniel Ellsberg

Dear Amazon Corporation,

I already disliked you because of your unethical response to the former Amazon Bookstore Cooperative, Inc. in Minneapolis, and was committed to buying only from individual sellers so you got less of my money. Now you've taken it too far. In protest to your mistreatment of Wikileaks, I am joining Daniel Ellsberg in refusing to use your site at all. Abebooks, Powells, and other companies will receive my business from now on.

Please consider your size and the harm you are enacting on Justice movements around the world. I will open a new account if I find out you become committed to Justice and make amends by apologising to the Wikileaks team, reinstate their account (with a year or more of free service) and tender an official apology complete with a financial settlement replacing the lawyer fees they spent to try to reclaim their rightful name to what is now True Colors bookstore in Minneapolis.

Until then, I'm voting with my dollar--and against you.

In Solidarity and Justice, Lance Worth

Marriage = capitalism: it unifies physical possessions and allots literal (tax and finance) and metaphorical currencies to those to whom access granted.

If you disagree, check this: families who are 'federally married' usually perceived as more stable or legitimate.

I'm not hatin', just not participatin' in the capitalism of love. I'll still come to your wedding and celebrate with you though :)

Morpheus and Aphrodite

The night so cold the fires went out,
It must have been 1983. She hated how
His love for her played dead
When she walked into the room.

Maybe we should go to the movies and
you can confuse me for the one onscreen
with the smoking gun. You can say how
cruel I was, like you told me about her.

Call off your dogs. When we open that
door to the sea, will it mean healing
or worse? Morpheus cannot finish songs
Aphrodite sung without bridge repair.


~surprised I could get that one out today but it had to be done. Thank JW for the inspiration

Love Letters to Life in General

Dear you, dear me, and the rest of the world too:

We came into this world formed perfect. Our perfect message and mission, our knowledge of self, our ways of being and loving accounted for within our miens and means.

Remember that you hold the power you need, and that you may preserve it as you feel. Remember the gifts that are yours alone to bring. Remember we live our truths as we know them, and that this is exactly as it should be.

God as we understand God to be has led us to where we are for exactly that reason. We connect and part as we grow and we are free. Provided that we seek our wisest way of being, provided we speak our safest truths, choose our sacred intention, and continue to change and nurture and grow, we do right by ourselves, do right by our families blood and chosen, and right by God as we understand God to be.

I love you. You're perfect. Love yourself and your own perfection and processes. Please remember your light and love are brilliant, and so are you.



Love, Me.

"i/dea/l"

Hello, I wanted to tell you I'm a liar
Placeholder for the ones you can't forget
Your lost and handheld sympathies
Which keep everyone in suspense.

The dirt beneath our feet knows all you're feeling
As the stink of four-foot forceps bears witness to the chaos
To the crimes they once called hers; she calls bemused
To tell me there's another stratus on the rise

If there is enough pale platitude in this
Can we throw on one other:
habeas corpus, ergo sum
ecce homo contra ius commune

It's no great i/dea/l (as you will)
to give water to the drowning
Painting portraits of the days

Which once called home.

All Silver After All

I've taken my sleeping pill, and I'm in my room, in bed. I should be laying down with my lights out, but I needed to write about something that made me angry and scared and sad for a longfuckingtime this summer.

Prestory: Doctors intimidate the hell out of me. They've undermedicated me, mismedicated me, overmedicated me, and ignored me when writing me scripts for medicine to which I was allergic. I've also had one particular doozy, when I was my most physically ill, that told me "So you have (diagnosis). What am I supposed to do about it?"

...I do not trust doctors. Fast forward to Modern Times....

The local go-to for trans hormones in town was not adequately covering my needs. Fighting through my fears and the power they held by being the Only Known Doc In Town, I brought these concerns forward to be ignored and condescended to. I made another appointment, attempting to politely, but assertively advocate for myself. After pushing a treatment agenda both illogical and not-recommended-by-professional-literature,  doctor so-and-so literally told me "Don't FUCK with me, Jester."

I walked. Between distance, time, energy, money and other life situations, this has left me without testosterone shots for the majority of the summer. I have experienced a lot of pain at (another) rejection and betrayal of my damaged trust no screw that--I knew from the start this person did not have my best interests. I've got to acknowledge my gut, and that I went forward anyway because this was the 'only game in town'.

I've had a lot of exhaustion, weakness, and other Unfortunate Offshoots of this lack. It felt very threatening because I still have not had the progress I would like to see by now (18 months when I ran out--now 20 months). A friend had suggested that my dose was too much (0.85ml/week @200mg/ml = In Effect 170mg/week where cismen average 100) and at first I didn't agree with him because LOOK HOW FEMININE.

Somehow I'm still progressing in my transition--in fact, my voice is deeper, my shape is more masculine and I have had an increase in progress of body hair (Lovin' It!). I think while the doctor was going on about a possible former case of Hashimoto's and ignoring my *ahem* issue, I was seroconverting.

So! This "betrayal?" Maybe we should call it a Blessing instead.

Angels of The Silences (acoustic)

I started this journal because I've had a rough life and some ugly things have happened. Somewhere along the way, the weight added up. I lost my ability to Be Easy. Lost my Joy. Lately I find it difficult to smile or have normal conversations.

My mind has been damaged by the difficulties of life, my body worn from carrying baggage 7/24. But I also see friends and community that have seen similar experiences and have so much freedom! As a father, I feel a responsibility to choose health so that my child has a loving chance in this world. But this must be engaged with carefully--there's a lot of work ahead.

I've never trusted authority, so god/religions don't really help me--which means the only 12-Steps I'm into involve country music. Therapists take a lot of work to trust... and friends? Well, codependency sucks. That means I have a lot of work to do on my own time and terms.

This blog is to stand as a document of my journey to healing. Sometimes it'll be entertaining. Sometimes it'll be frightening. Sometimes it will be boring. But in the end, I'll be Alive.

SWT seeks antidepressants, testosterone

Jester says, "hehe, you messed up." Gets back, "i'm going to snarkily point out your error." HAHAHAHAHAHA.  IT IS FUNNY BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MADE THE MISTAKE. GET IT? GET IT?

On a related note, fuck your "clearly I'm a better friend/more educated person than your other friend....aren't I?!" And their "Yes."

If he's hostile, he's hurting. When the river of blood
flows from Mama's wounds he will exclaim about
injustice and invisibility. Interrelation with irritability
may be extrapolated so far only by the initiated.

And when her heaven walks across his soul,
it reminds him of the hell he carries within.
The years of fists and tears beneath his skin
These bags he tries again and again
To put under the radar, or tear asunder.

They pursue him doggedly without regard
For any sense of earthly reward
The poison is not the cure, stop recommending
It to him.





I've been watching films about media and war again. I also got to watch fish killed, their bellies ripped open--but only the fish that had eggs within. Fish carcasses containing Milt (sperm) were given more time and attention. I find this interesting.

Cough

Pale white flash of the crook of a neck
I tried to cry but it came out as a cough
Yellowed lights in back alleys are killing me
And the bat is missing again


He bled out on the street that day
Moonlit sugar coated red
He wouldn't let me call the ambulance;
His last breath took my telephone

She was dancing to death
In rainboots at the party
Her wide eyed stare told me
She craved the attention

They told me, "Just this once
I'm ok being invisible"
They're out in the woods
Exploring wildness

Weird Sense Of Humor

Between farming in the rain (no, see, this is FUN!), cleaning, parenting, and pretending to pre-read my coursework. And sometimes actually reading it and getting angry about it....I have been laughing my butt off over Hyperbole and A Half whenever I could over the last two days. Seriously, this lady's sense of humor involves pasta with speech problems. She's truly amazing.

DID YOU THINK I AM KIDDING. NO I AM NOT KIDDING.

And I keep having half-formed poetry shreds about electric chairs.

I'm pretty sure I made that up.



...No I didn't.

HARSH rant on inequality - Class Privilege Edition

This entry has a playlist: 
Regina Spektor - Prisoners
Regina Spektor - Oedipus
System of A Down - Prison Song
Sublime - Pawn Shop

"But it was also clear that an all-around increase in wealth threatened the destruction--indeed, in some sense was the destruction--of a hierarchical society. In a world where everyone worked short hours, had enough to eat, lived in a house with a bathroom and a refrigerator, and possessed a motorcar or perhaps even an airplane, the most obvious and perhaps the most important form of inequality would already have disappeared*.

If it once became general, wealth would confer no distinction. It was possible, no doubt, to imagine a society in which wealth, in the sense of personal possessions and luxuries, should be evenly distributed, while power remained in the hands of a small privileged caste.*

But in practice such a society could not could not long remain stable. For if leisure and security were enjoyed by all alike, the great mass of human beings who are normally stupefied by poverty would become literate and would learn to think for themselves; and when once they had done this, they would sooner or later realize that the privileged minority had no function, and they would sweep it away.*

--Orwell, 1984

*emphases added where asterisk appears. Where 

Orwell already employed italics, I may add bold.

I have referred to myself as 'Diversity's Poster Boy' for many reasons. One example: I have experienced true Hunger and Homelessness (who brings Hunger with her anytime she comes around). The stupefaction of need is real and pervasive. It damages your brain. Literally. It can induce neurotic behavior, especially in parents (classism but check 3.12 for documentation anyway).

Painting by Menekse Cam used without permission.

As with any form of oppression, it discourages Hope. Hope begets Wonder, who begets Inspiration, who begets Reason, who begets Action! Instead, there may be a sort of self-protective, overwhelmed disidentification with the system. "As it does not represent me, I do not participate--for my voice goes unheeded."

Reading this just brought all that forward for me. Those who have not experienced pervasive Need may be offended by what they're about to read. I don't care. Grieving is the ugly side of Finding Jester.  All the people with disabilities... gender nonconformers... people of color...survivors...  un/deremployed with tons of bills hanging on to life with 2 fingers...It starts to feel intentional. Living it feels like being abused in a whole new way.

I am hurt. I am angry. I AM ENRAGED.  I want to storm the kitchens of the privileged and TAKE their food. I want to scream at them YOU WANT TOYS NOT TAXES?? BONUSES WHILE YOU GIVE LINE WORKERS PAY CUTS? YOU DON'T HIRE CRIPPLES AND QUEERS?? THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO MY FAMILY!!! I want to frighten them and let them watch in horror as I introduce them to their own greed. I want to smash their pretty dishes and machines and break their spatulas and wreck their pans. I want to take their staple ingredients and fling them on the floor and in the rainy street and watch with mocking eyes as they try to feed their children. 

I want to look over their shoulder at the mirror to see the shame in their eyes as their complexions and body shapes and physical capabilities fall to shit. I want to cancel their credit cards so they're stuck with clothing that fits them no longer--and they can't buy makeup or haircuts or enough soap for their clothes to be clean. I want to do it again and again until they learn what it is like to be truly Poor. I want to watch them grow DISPIRITED and unmagical and understand how nothing is beautiful or safe when you're cold. and hungry. When you can't think and you're tired all the time. And your clothes are gross. And you start getting panicking in grocery stores and kitchens cos your brain is screaming that buying fruit might mean you can't drive to work and if you eat it your kid can't so it goes to waste in your cheap fridge that doesn't keep it fresh real long. And you feel your teeth break in your mouth. And a thousand other things.  And people who don't know what it's like laugh or look at you funny. And how once this all starts it's hard to stop...

It's not right and it's all true.

Small Town Romance

My life like a tv show:
I walked into greasy spoons,
My friends behind counters
Cheering warm in the dark
And endless cups of coffee
His history with me forgiven not forgotten.

Outside the drunkard wailed Tom Waits

I saw a woman, a vampire version of herself

An endless parade of used bandages and condom wrappers

Ancestral memories of places I've never been

The smell of older types of bombing

Through that door another dimension

Here we're flushed and smiling

Worn tile, fresh paint means

More than any diamonds

More than any praise

Note to Self

If you're getting irritated about someone, it's likely you're letting your thinking conflict with your beliefs. Be Love, dummy.

 

  Oh--and I just noticed I flubbed the link for the Legalise Trans* shirts! Looks like I did it right this time. Purchasing this shirt THROUGH THIS LINK will support both mine and Aiden's surgeries. Plus then you're a walking billboard for equality. ;)

Rant on inequality

 Conversation on facebook around the article 'Skewering theories of ‘hard-wired’ gender differences' has me thinking. 


Suzan commented that "the emphasis on gender ... in the last 20 years or so (is) somewhat reactionary, a reification of socially mandated sex roles."

As a dad, I immediately flashed to taking my little to Toys R Us and how their toys are marketed. Blue and green on the right, pink and purple on the left. Why are our toys separated by gender?

What's the difference?

A lot of people would not see a problem with that, but kids who have different "rules" for the same toy can have trouble playing together. Through association, that can become a social divide that (since it's an experience that comes before the ability to analyze) is invisible. Creating enmities where there are none challenges Community, and Community is Power. If we're united and Solid, we can make this world what we want it to be.

Mostly Sincere

This is your secret love note
a sticky square marring a wall, bare,
with seemingly meaningless phrase.
I posted it when I knew you wouldnt be there
You'd arrive after I was gone
off to dance with monsters.

Illogical confessions: I'm afraid of the clear mirror
I disappear to keep the beast from baying in your ear.
Glib reasoning offends with polite mistruths
Plays possum to the pounding boots of another
Hardly breathing in a forest; dying of thirst in a bar

Witness the one who doesnt know what they want
Witness the one who doesn't know who they are.
The Lord loves the sheep; leading Himself to a slaughter
The Lady looks upon Queen Anne's Fool.

How can I convince you to fight fire with water?
I should say, without teaching you to starve at banquets by mistake.
Jumping out of windows should not be attempted
Until you know you're on the 14th floor or higher.
Most people sign these notes 'most sincerely';
Mine will have to read 'sincere, mostly'.



So I just found out that my friend and his wife might come take care of me for awhile after surgery. I'm really hoping that pans out. Being a single dad, surgery--while necessary--is gonna suck.I just need to get the money together. So buy my poetry will ya? Or a Legalize Trans* shirt:

Show your support for my needs--and the rights of all trans folks--with this shirt. Proceeds go to my surgery and Aiden's, too. Click photo or link above.

Way hey hi hello!

Hello hey hey hi!

I broke like Humpty Dumpty
And knocked the trees all down
It wasn't very easy
To wear a martyr's crown
So now I'm walking backward
Throwing eggs and leaves together
Inside a box with silken locks
My way of Finding Jester