Monday, October 25, 2010

All Silver After All

I've taken my sleeping pill, and I'm in my room, in bed. I should be laying down with my lights out, but I needed to write about something that made me angry and scared and sad for a longfuckingtime this summer.

Prestory: Doctors intimidate the hell out of me. They've undermedicated me, mismedicated me, overmedicated me, and ignored me when writing me scripts for medicine to which I was allergic. I've also had one particular doozy, when I was my most physically ill, that told me "So you have (diagnosis). What am I supposed to do about it?"

...I do not trust doctors. Fast forward to Modern Times....

The local go-to for trans hormones in town was not adequately covering my needs. Fighting through my fears and the power they held by being the Only Known Doc In Town, I brought these concerns forward to be ignored and condescended to. I made another appointment, attempting to politely, but assertively advocate for myself. After pushing a treatment agenda both illogical and not-recommended-by-professional-literature,  doctor so-and-so literally told me "Don't FUCK with me, Jester."

I walked. Between distance, time, energy, money and other life situations, this has left me without testosterone shots for the majority of the summer. I have experienced a lot of pain at (another) rejection and betrayal of my damaged trust no screw that--I knew from the start this person did not have my best interests. I've got to acknowledge my gut, and that I went forward anyway because this was the 'only game in town'.

I've had a lot of exhaustion, weakness, and other Unfortunate Offshoots of this lack. It felt very threatening because I still have not had the progress I would like to see by now (18 months when I ran out--now 20 months). A friend had suggested that my dose was too much (0.85ml/week @200mg/ml = In Effect 170mg/week where cismen average 100) and at first I didn't agree with him because LOOK HOW FEMININE.

Somehow I'm still progressing in my transition--in fact, my voice is deeper, my shape is more masculine and I have had an increase in progress of body hair (Lovin' It!). I think while the doctor was going on about a possible former case of Hashimoto's and ignoring my *ahem* issue, I was seroconverting.

So! This "betrayal?" Maybe we should call it a Blessing instead.

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