Prestory: Doctors intimidate the hell out of me. They've undermedicated me, mismedicated me, overmedicated me, and ignored me when writing me scripts for medicine to which I was allergic. I've also had one particular doozy, when I was my most physically ill, that told me "So you have (diagnosis). What am I supposed to do about it?"
...I do not trust doctors. Fast forward to Modern Times....
The local go-to for trans hormones in town was not adequately covering my needs. Fighting through my fears and the power they held by being the Only Known Doc In Town, I brought these concerns forward to be ignored and condescended to. I made another appointment, attempting to politely, but assertively advocate for myself. After pushing a treatment agenda both illogical and not-recommended-by-professional-literature, doctor so-and-so literally told me "Don't FUCK with me, Jester."
I walked. Between distance, time, energy, money and other life situations, this has left me without testosterone shots for the majority of the summer. I have experienced a lot of pain at (another) rejection and
I've had a lot of exhaustion, weakness, and other Unfortunate Offshoots of this lack. It felt very threatening because I still have not had the progress I would like to see by now (18 months when I ran out--now 20 months). A friend had suggested that my dose was too much (0.85ml/week @200mg/ml = In Effect 170mg/week where cismen average 100) and at first I didn't agree with him because LOOK HOW FEMININE.
Somehow I'm still progressing in my transition--in fact, my voice is deeper, my shape is more masculine and I have had an increase in progress of body hair (Lovin' It!). I think while the doctor was going on about a possible former case of Hashimoto's and ignoring my *ahem* issue, I was seroconverting.
So! This "betrayal?" Maybe we should call it a Blessing instead.