Spiders

Awoke slick hard and trembling

to the stars and night sky day

analogy, knowing and wanting

to understand these complex

interweavings with the midpoint

threads looming, bound into

boundless freethinking. Howto

deflect by diameter when the truth

is both, dear, neither, and free each in

moments best kept interseparated?

The ways we touched our souls, selves

praygasping in the pew and aisle tell you

story's depth and intimate pride to stand

a crossroads within the start stop push

of the encouraging hand, stopping to rest

where clarity and confusion share a bed

I fear the lack of threat invested in the midpoint

his smooth, her rough and only when I

cease possessive rate of whose is whatshalli

movekissbreathewrithetouchandhow can I embody

the needed space, pleasure repeating in the patterns

and shifting spaces her, my, his, gasp, yes

and when I let myself want what will never happen

and when I let myself know this is no conflict

and when I let myself reflect this each to other

I crash trembling back into myself

troubled no more

All Silver After All

I've taken my sleeping pill, and I'm in my room, in bed. I should be laying down with my lights out, but I needed to write about something that made me angry and scared and sad for a longfuckingtime this summer.

Prestory: Doctors intimidate the hell out of me. They've undermedicated me, mismedicated me, overmedicated me, and ignored me when writing me scripts for medicine to which I was allergic. I've also had one particular doozy, when I was my most physically ill, that told me "So you have (diagnosis). What am I supposed to do about it?"

...I do not trust doctors. Fast forward to Modern Times....

The local go-to for trans hormones in town was not adequately covering my needs. Fighting through my fears and the power they held by being the Only Known Doc In Town, I brought these concerns forward to be ignored and condescended to. I made another appointment, attempting to politely, but assertively advocate for myself. After pushing a treatment agenda both illogical and not-recommended-by-professional-literature,  doctor so-and-so literally told me "Don't FUCK with me, Jester."

I walked. Between distance, time, energy, money and other life situations, this has left me without testosterone shots for the majority of the summer. I have experienced a lot of pain at (another) rejection and betrayal of my damaged trust no screw that--I knew from the start this person did not have my best interests. I've got to acknowledge my gut, and that I went forward anyway because this was the 'only game in town'.

I've had a lot of exhaustion, weakness, and other Unfortunate Offshoots of this lack. It felt very threatening because I still have not had the progress I would like to see by now (18 months when I ran out--now 20 months). A friend had suggested that my dose was too much (0.85ml/week @200mg/ml = In Effect 170mg/week where cismen average 100) and at first I didn't agree with him because LOOK HOW FEMININE.

Somehow I'm still progressing in my transition--in fact, my voice is deeper, my shape is more masculine and I have had an increase in progress of body hair (Lovin' It!). I think while the doctor was going on about a possible former case of Hashimoto's and ignoring my *ahem* issue, I was seroconverting.

So! This "betrayal?" Maybe we should call it a Blessing instead.

Mostly Sincere

This is your secret love note
a sticky square marring a wall, bare,
with seemingly meaningless phrase.
I posted it when I knew you wouldnt be there
You'd arrive after I was gone
off to dance with monsters.

Illogical confessions: I'm afraid of the clear mirror
I disappear to keep the beast from baying in your ear.
Glib reasoning offends with polite mistruths
Plays possum to the pounding boots of another
Hardly breathing in a forest; dying of thirst in a bar

Witness the one who doesnt know what they want
Witness the one who doesn't know who they are.
The Lord loves the sheep; leading Himself to a slaughter
The Lady looks upon Queen Anne's Fool.

How can I convince you to fight fire with water?
I should say, without teaching you to starve at banquets by mistake.
Jumping out of windows should not be attempted
Until you know you're on the 14th floor or higher.
Most people sign these notes 'most sincerely';
Mine will have to read 'sincere, mostly'.



So I just found out that my friend and his wife might come take care of me for awhile after surgery. I'm really hoping that pans out. Being a single dad, surgery--while necessary--is gonna suck.I just need to get the money together. So buy my poetry will ya? Or a Legalize Trans* shirt:

Show your support for my needs--and the rights of all trans folks--with this shirt. Proceeds go to my surgery and Aiden's, too. Click photo or link above.